Potty training: England sneak in to the top class at the draw World Cup 2010 in Cape Town Photo: EPA
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THE DAILY BUNG LUNCHTIME HEADLINES
The failure of equine afterbirth to live up to its billing as a panacea for Robin van Persie’s knackered knee means Arsène Wenger will be braving the January sales in search of a heavily discounted striker of international class. “We will be out in he market, that is for sure,” admitted the usually frugal Arsenal manager.
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Manchester United’s kindergarten all-stars may be no match for the might of Besiktas but let them loose against Tottenham and they look like world beaters.
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And Kieron Dyer is poised to make his 1,794th return from injury for West Ham at the weekend after coming through 75 minutes of a reserve defeat to Birmingham without breaking his leg, twanging an abductor muscle or poking himself in the eye when no one was looking.
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BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
What goes on behind closed doors at Fifa’s head office in Zurich is a mystery to all but a few generally big boned suits who while away the hours between meals plotting new and unusual ways of meddling in the minutia of international football.
And so we approached today’s announcement of which teams would be seeded for Friday’s World Cup 2010 draw none the wiser as to who would get the nod and how they would be assessed. Would it be based on previous performances at major competitions, Fifa rankings, a logarithmic equation factoring in how lucky teams had been to qualify or a coefficient based on the number of opportunities their female fans would give for camera men to perv during group games?
In the end, according to Fifa general secretary Jerome Valcke, we needn’t have worried. It was all decided long ago and based solely on the official rankings from October. “The decision was not made this morning (on which system was used),” said Valcke, unconvincingly. “The proposal was made to the president of the organising committee and it was a discussion we had prior to the whole event.”
Why they couldn’t have said that ages ago, if it was long since decided, only they will know. That they didn’t suggests all may not have been as straightforward as they would like you to believe.
Regardless, England, one of the eight seeded teams alongside South Africa, Germany, Brazil, Italy, Spain, England, Holland, and Argentina, can be grateful it was so.
Today England are ranked ninth, two places below France and four beneath Portugal. Two months ago, before defeats to Ukraine and Brazil, England were above that pair. So England get top billing and the pantomime villains that are Cristiano Ronaldo and Thierry Henry are relegated to the fourth pot.
And that’s what has the conspiracy theorists taking a break from peering out of the window of a disused book repository in down town Dallas or smashing the back windows of cars with golf clubs to see if that really is the best way of freeing someone from the driver’s seat of a vehicle shortly after losing an argument with a tree.
Could it be that Fifa are merely punishing France for Henry’s bit of handiwork against the Irish? A backhanded stab at restorative justice? It’s a seductive thought but what, then, are they punishing Portugal for? Being so pony they couldn’t score against Albanian at home even playing against ten men for most of the game? Ronaldo’s preening? A disastrous holiday when a young Sepp Blatter came up empty after trawling the bars and clubs of the Algarve?
Equally seductive as that is we will never truly know. Better, from an English perspective, just to be grateful and look forward to Friday. Where fresh dangers lurk...
France and Portugal in pot four; Ivory Coast and Ghana in pot three; USA and Australia – imagine the glee with which the Aussies would welcome a chance to put one over England – in pot two.
The dice, however, remain loaded in England’s favour. Imagine Charlize Theron whipping out the names of New Zealand, Cameroon and Denmark, or Honduras, Paraguay and Greece.
Another country possibly celebrating England’s elevation to the leading group may well be Slovenia. They have appeared on pretty much every ‘best possible scenario’ chart in the English press, along with Algeria and North Korea. Slovenia, you will remember, dumped Guus Hiddink’s Russia out of the tournament before it started. Be careful what you wish for.
Source: telegraph.co.uk/
